Jenny (thelichen) wrote in carlossantiago,
Jenny
thelichen
carlossantiago

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Musical jokes!!

Conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.

Concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.

Oboe
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.

Trumpet
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Bassoon
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.

Second Violin
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.

Manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses argument with self.

French Horn
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets with teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.


Why do most people take an instant dislike to violinists?
It saves time.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the cellists.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has a dead person on the inside.

What do you call one pretty good violinist, one bad violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists together in the same room?
A string quartet.

How can you tell the last chair violinist from the rest of the section?
He's the only one without a knife in his back.

Why is a viola like a Scud missile?
Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.

How can you tell if there's a whole herd of violists outside your door?
Nobody knows when to come in.

How do you get a violist to play a tremolo?
Put a fermata over a whole note and mark it solo.

What happens when a violist dies?
They move him back one stand.

What's the difference between the first stand of violas and the third stand of violas?
About a measure and a half.

What's the useless woody material around the F holes?
A viola.

(And I think that's enough viola jokes for now...)

Why was the clarinetist staring at the orange juice bottle?
Because the label said "Concentrate."

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a dead frog in the middle of the road and a dead trombonist?
The skid marks in front of the frog.

What's the difference between a dead frog and a dead trombonist?
The frog was probably on its way to a gig.

If you drop a viola and a tuba from the top floor of a tall building, which one hits the ground first?
Who cares?
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